Pressure to marry; do not give in.

An almost everyday regular conversation when you bump into your sister at the market while shopping for your pregnant sister.

‘Ehennnnn….I knew it was you’ she said. ‘Good afternoon aunty’ , with the sweetest smile you can muster, which isn’t very much. So after 15 minutes of idle chit-chat, she brings ‘it’ up again.

‘So you know Bisola is getting married next month ehn…….won’t you join her soon?’

‘Ha ha ha….well…aunty you know I….’ you volunteer, while simultaneously having thoughts that sound more like ‘Father Lord please get me out of this place now and take me home’.

She continues, ‘hmmmmm ….but, you are so beautiful. Ehn….look at you, you’re smart, you’re just beautiful…. you mean to tell me there is no man…’ she asks, while giving you her famous side eye.

 ‘Hmmmm aunty you know……it will happen in God’s time, you know I….’ you try again, while she swiftly interrupts you.

 ‘Ah ah… but what about that handsome young man I saw in that picture with you? Where is he now?’

Sigh. You are not about to start telling her that you and that ‘handsome young man’ have been broken up for the past six months. In fact, you have been single for quite some time now.

‘Hmmm all you these young girls….you need to be very prayerful oh….’ she says, while pulling down on her ear…. ‘you need to be very prayerful…who knows, maybe now many of them are coming, they want to propose, but you, you are making list in your mind..… Long list of what you want… My dear, that’s not how to do oh! You these women nowadays, don’t be deceived! Your small body is deceiving you! You think you’re still looking young, but how old are you now? You’re 25, 30 in few years…. You’re getting old! Your mates are all married, many of them with at least three children. If you don’t marry now, who will take care of "aunty mi" and "daddy yin" in their old age? Don’t you think they want to hold their grandchildren? Let me tell you one secret… You can bring joy to your parent’s heart when you marry….if you want I can find one for you....my friend's son, he's a handsome doctor in America.....’

And on and on she goes. It’s the same ol’ same ol’. Your mind wanders to different things as she talks, jumping from defending yourself due to all your professional achievements, to depositing responsibility for the production of grandchildren to your sister. That very same pregnant sister for whom you are in the market right now, standing under the hot sun, listening to this aunty speak. Another fifteen minutes later, aunty ends her speech with ‘mmm hmmm’ and waits. Oh yes, there is just one more thing expected from you at this point in time….

‘Thank you aunty’ you mumble.

‘Mmmm hmmm’ she replies, ‘let me be rushing back home now, but please think about it, saanu aunti mi’.

This scene has been repeating itself like a broken record. You really should be used to it by now. So why does it still bug you every time this happens?

Does the skit above sound familiar in any way to you or anyone you know? There will most likely be someone in your circle who has a similar story to tell, especially if you are from, or were raised in an Nigerian household. This is because we place such an emphasis on the importance of marriage in ones destiny. I sincerely love the institution of marriage, I would love to be married someday, I love what marriage stands for, I love weddings. It has been very interesting for me as a Nigerian to observe and experience different perspectives of marital expectations placed on those of us who are unmarried (whether still single, or just getting ready for marriage) by the ‘older generation’ and by our married peers(this is mostly for the ladies). But as guys, we don't face much pressure as ladies. Therefore, this is for the other sex. Ladies, let us talk about this!

Perhaps the greater issue here is that expectation of our society for women to be married at a certain age. There nearly seems to be a stigma placed upon ‘older’ women who have never married. There are always stories going around about ‘what that lady did wrong’ that landed her in spinsterhood. Never does anyone seem to consider that for some perhaps, spinsterhood may have been a choice made at some point in their lives. As Nigerians (maybe as Africans), marriage is very important to us not just for the normal institution it is, but also for the fulfilment of a certain status! In our society, one day you may be walking on air happy with the career you have and moving along just fine. But due to the subliminal pressures you have been receiving, the next day you may very well wake up with a sense of marital urgency on your mind. Not just the girly kind we see in the movies. What I am talking about is full-blown paranoia! This paranoia starts telling you to find a man to ‘put a ring on it’ before all your ‘eggs are old and fried’. And no doubt, when taking biology into consideration it is advisable to have children between certain age brackets. However, when finding a lifelong mate in the 21st century, there are so many levels of compatibility to consider.

No, I am in no way anti-marriage. I feel the need to categorically state this again. Most aunts who give the type of advice outlined above will probably just want to see you happy, and in their book, marriage will complete you. As annoying as all those little talks can be, they may very well be well-intentioned. That being said, from what I have been told by a married friend of mine, till you know in your spirit that you are making a well-informed choice that brings you peace, do not give into aunt's(people's) pressure. There will only be two of you in the marriage, aunty will be long gone. So rather let your choice be a good one.

60years of pdp rule: a myth or a reality?- Gbenga Oderinwale

It sounded ludicrous when Vincent Ogbulafor(former PDP chairman) some time in 2008 said 'PDP will rule Nigeria for 60years' I see that statement or should I say prophecy coming to pass.
In about 4 months from now Nigerians will go to the polls to elect a president for the next 4 years.
Some of us (Nigerians) are tired of the ineptitude of this current government, where there's no accountability, instead unbridled audacious acts epitomise this government - that's a topic for another day. Thus, we see APC an alternative to the current goons in power, judging from the fanfare that greeted the formation of APC. This gave people hope of a viable opposition that can finally defeat PDP/Jonathan. However APC failed to manage their intial success, allowing key persons like Shekarau and Bafarawa to leave the party. In my opinion, the exit of Shekarau is a big minus for APC, because this guy has a huge amount of follwers compared to Kwankwaso.
Another minus for the APC is their aggressive propaganda, always criticising the ruling party rather than an issue based propaganda which will enable them sell their ideas and ideology beyond 'removing PDP/Jonathan'.
Also, APC should know that they cannot out spend the rulling party, for PDP will spend double of what APC will spend (power of incumbency) all they(APC) need to do is to convince Nigerians that they have an ideology beyond 'removing Jonathan' which will be beneficial to the nation at large.
Having said all the above, the 60 years rule of PDP is becoming more of a reality than a myth which I will try to highlight in the next few paragraphs
There are 2 big wigs fighting for the APC presidential ticket- Atiku and Buhari. I fear whoever does not get the ticket will leave the party, there by taking some votes away from APC.
I can tell you categorically that PDP will have 95% of votes in the south east and south south _ this is the strong hold of Jonathan. Judging from last election the votes in the south west will be shared. Let's assume 45:55% in favour of APC. Most likely elections will not hold in most parts of Borno, Adamawa and Yobe(these states are controlled by APC)this is a minus for APC, votes will be shared in the remaining part of the north. From my shady assumptions and calculations, it's a PDP victory.
The leverage APC have at the moment is the idea that a northerner should be president. After this Jonathan dispensation PDP will likely present a northern candidate in 2019, this will tilt the odds in favour PDP.
A PDP victory in 2015 only makes Ogbulafor's statement more of a reality.
It's my sincere hope that my permutations, assumptions and calculations are wrong. For I will like to see a change in governance in this country, I will like to see another party aside PDP in Aso Rock Villa come 2015.
Note: Views expressed above are subjective views of Gbenga Oderinwale. You can follow on twitter @gbenga__ or email: gbengaoderinwale@gmail.com

A known Devil And Unknown Devil; The Osun State Guber election.- Gbenga Oderinwale

Saturday 9th of August , osun people went to the polls to elect our governor. Amongst the contestants were Fatai Akinbade of LP, incumbent Rauf Aregbesola of APC, Iyiola Omisore of PDP.
In the next few paragraphs i will higlight some of the reasons the governor was re-elected.
　Togetherness of Osun APC:
Unlike the elections in Ondo and Ekiti where some members of the party were aggrieved pertaining to some issues. In the Ondo Olu Agunloye a former minister was aggrieved at the party's choice of Rotimi Akeredolu as its flag bearer in the guber poll. While in Ekiti a certain Opeyemi Bamidele left APC because he felt the party won't give him the chance to run for governor. This meant that the APC (acn during ondo election) lost certain followership during the Ondo and Ekiti guber polls. In Osun , it was a different ball game, the support for Aregbesola was overwhelming.
　The Muslim agenda:
Aregbesola pursued some agenda which made him popular amongst his muslim faithfuls _ He controversially introduced the wearing of hijabs in government secondary schools across the state (tho he will say he's neither for or against it). Started the celebration of Muslim new year (Hijirah) which was unprecedented in the country. Also large chunk of Muslims were employed into the civil service and OYES . It's only natural for the Muslims to support one of their own. It's no news that the population of Muslims in the state is more than that of Christians, aside Ile- Ife and probably Ilesa most big towns in osun are! predominantly muslim _ Ikirun, Ede, Ila, Iwo, Ikire to mention a few.
　A Known devil and an unknown devil:
There's this popular saying that "a known devil is better than an unknown devil" well in the osun election it seems what we had was a known devil (Aregbesola) and an unknown devil (Omisore). The antecedents of the pdp candidate as an orchestrator of violence and the albatross of the murder of Late Bola Ige did Omisore no good. Thus, many of the people decided to stick with Ogbeni.
　Ongoing projects:
There are various projects yet to be completed by the incumbent governor_ various road constructions , airport, Mall (shoprite), Aje and Dagbolu market, reconstruction of schools etc. We all know that there's no continuity in government in Nigeria of today. Thus the fear of many people that a new government will simply abandon those projects.
　Onipakitis and Iyalojas: Aregbesola aquainted himself with the Craftsmen and artisans (Onipakiti), and the market women (Iyalojas). So much was the acquaintance that he will sing for them during his campaigns and he will also say that the iyalojas own the government ( Iyaloja loni Ijoba). Furthermore , he promised to make 4billion naira available as a non-interest loan for the onipakitis and Iyalojas. It's only natural for them to vote for him.
　Media Propaganda:
The Aregbesola propaganda was massive both in and outside osun. The state tv and radio hardly air jingles of the opposition, "Aregbe lekan si" bombarded the air waves . Also on social media the Aregbesola and APC propaganda held sway.
All these add up to victory for Rauf Aregbesola. Although i was an anti-Aregbesola for various reasons, that doesn't matter the people have decided, who am I to stand in deference to it. All I want is the betterment of my state. Osun a dara!

Why Is Our Definition Of Happiness Dependent On What Everyone Else Thinks?

Are we really happy ourselves? Or everything is all but a pointless effort? Our happiness is (often) related to things, to people, to someone else’s actions. Our happiness or lack thereof becomes something that is dependent on how and why a certain someone behaves with us. This doesn’t necessarily have to be a significant other. It can be anyone who matters to you: your best friend, you sister, your mom, or even that guy you have been crushing on for so long. Or even the guy at the mall. Anyone. Everyone.

I was not going to put on this piece if not for my friend's take on what defines a lady's happiness and self. She thinks a woman is defined by the quality of her relationship with others. I think not so.

We have been so dependent on others for our share of happiness that we can’t handle it when disappointment strikes. I know humans can’t live in isolation and that interaction is vital. But so too is you yourself being the reason for your own happiness. And by that I mean, doing what you love. We have been reading it in books, quotes by famous authors, in every other article on the internet. Your source of happiness has to be you. It has to belong to you.

I also know that sometimes the one thing that gives us immense happiness is spending time with someone who means so much to us. But then there is the disappointment factor. There is no escape to it. You walk a road; you are going to be disappointed by a number of things. But these disappointments needn’t stop you from being happy.

Recently, a good friend of mine almost broke up with his girlfriend. So I got to asking him how he was and how things were working out for him. To my surprise, he said something I wasn’t expecting: he was “confusingly happy.” I didn’t quite understand what he meant by that. I mean, what is that one thing that can confuse you about happiness? Then I was told.


“The people.”

Why is it that we are so bothered by what the other person is doing even if it doesn’t affect us at all? Why are we so consumed by the idea of judging someone, even passively for that matter? And it doesn’t even end at that. We eventually become the victims of this practice too. If we don’t like it that someone else is judging us for whatever it is that we are doing, then even we should respect their choices and keep our butts out of their business. This way everyone is happy with what they are doing. Such a simple solution.

We worry too much about the "the people".
We think twice before doing simple, everyday things that are supposed to be normal. But they aren’t.

We think twice because we are not sure if we shouldn’t.

We should get over with relating our source of happiness and satisfaction to whatever the person sitting ten benches away from me is going to think. I mean, I don’t even fucking know that person!

I'll do as I want and do what makes me happy.

You know why?

Because that is what I like to do. And I don’t care if that pisses you off. And nor should you.

Working Hard or Working Smart

"Working hard" is a virtue that is often praised in our society. It is considered to be a great compliment to refer to someone as a hard worker. And while we are sometimes cautioned against overwork, most people would rather be thought of as workaholics, rather than slackers. For many, being thought of as lazy ranks right down there with being a liar or a thief.

But what exactly do we mean by the phrase "working hard"? Do we mean always doing physically or mentally arduous work every moment of every working day. Does it mean working to the point where we drag ourselves home physically or mentally spent and drop into bed exhausted at the end of every work day? Does it mean we always work as fast as we possibly can? Does it mean searching out more work, even busy work, when there is nothing productive to do, so that every minute is spent "Doing Something", even if it's pointless labour?

And this brings me to the point of this entry, the difference between "working hard" and "working smart". Someone working smart will attend to necessary tasks in a timely fashion in order to meet specific productive goals and at a steady, though not necessarily, frenetic, pace. Work done is always toward a useful goal and is not engaged in merely to "keep busy". Work is seen as but one component of a balanced life, where rest and leisure are seen as equally important, as someone who gets enough rest and leisure usually tends to work more productively. Work is seen merely as a means to an end, rather than an end of itself, so anything that can make a job easier is seen as an advantage.

Someone who works smart realizes that above all, we are paid for the time we give up for the needs of our employers, apart from the actual labour we do. Time is our most important commodity as , once spent, we can never have a particular block of time back in our lives to do over. In other words, once July, 2014 is over, I'll never have another July, 2014 to spend again doing different things.

Thoughts?

The Mechanic Workshop : Magun .

Nurses are known the world over for their wagging tongues. Next to market women, they are the world's renowned gossip bags. Somehow they seem to always have a sharp retort to every question and seemingly an opinion about everything. But this is not entirely true ofcourse. Most of their idle talk weighs next-to-nothing and one can scarcely learn anything new from listening to them. Auto-mechanics however (yes, mecho, as some of us call them) are not just good at sucking out petrol from a dry pipe with their mouths, but are also exceptionally good at sipping gossips. But, I have to say that I respect and will recommend their kind of gossip to that of nurses. They are able to relate their gossips to societal values. Nurses just 'duck' their mouth around making jest of the doctors and patients and in such a way that a listening neutral can not gain a single thing from it.

I was driving to deliver some goods for my mom's customer with a friend sitting right next to me. As I drove on the new double lane road constructed by our state governor, I noticed the car slowing down on its own accord. My effort in trying to throttle it back to speed was futile. My friend who was on his way to a date became impatient to get away especially since he didn't want to be spotted near a fault 504. Luckily, my mecho came to my rescue and helped tow the old car back to his workshop.

While we waited for the car, the welder in the workshop kicked off a gossip (or gist, because it's decent and educating to be tagged gossip after all) about an unfortunate man who died after sleeping with a woman laced with MAGUN

Magun is a Yoruba term which literally means “Do not climb” or “Do not touch.” It is an invisible sign that says, “Do not have sexual relations with this person.” The Yoruba believe that the man who has sexual intercourse with a woman who has been placed under the curse of magun could suffer various afflictions ranging from headache, seizures to possibly death.

This is usually done when a woman is suspected of extra-marital affairs. The partner/family the had place her on MAGUN (without her knowledge)to deter her from promiscuity.

The welder said " alfa, do you remember Lateef?". Alfa still busy on the car but gave a nod. "He's dead " the welder continued. The shock in the facial expression of Alfa, showed sympathy and pain. "O ba obin olobin sun, bi o se ko jombo niyen (he slept with another man's wife)" he said.
He continued "the husband of his mistress (ale) laced his wife with magun because he's been told of his wife's promiscuity. So after having sex with her, he started vomiting blood". By this time, the welder already earned the attention of everybody at the workshop except for the apprentices who would not dare contribute for fear of punishment.

Usually when a woman is placed on the MAGUN spell, she is expected to transfer the curse to her lover after intercourse within 7days. If unfortunately for her she has no extramarital affairs the woman in question would die unless her husband sleeps with her. While I hold on to this, supported with the welder's narration, I am undecided on just how true this is.

Is MAGUN mere superstition or some level of ignorance and depravity fostered by the irresponsible Nollywood? Or not?

Living Your Life Without Comparison With Others.

“Envy is ever joined with the comparing of a man’s self; and where there is no comparison, no envy.” —Sir Francis Bacon

Most of us understand the foolishness of trying to compare ourselves to others. We would readily admit that no good ever comes from it. Yet, whether we are comparing our home size, paycheck, physical features, or any number of measurable (and even immeasurable) things, we do it all the time.

We most often compare the wrong things. Because we can most easily compare the things that we can objectively measure, we live in a world that is great at measuring and comparing externals. Somewhere along the way, we decided that we could determine who is living a more valuable life by comparing clothes, cars, homes, paychecks, beauty, body count or Twitter followers. But externals are rarely a good measure. Net-worth has never been a good indicator of self-worth.
We always compare our worst with their best. Comparing your life with others is always a losing proposition because there will always be people who “appear” to be better off than you and seemingly live the perfect life.

After all, we always compare the worst of what we know about ourselves to the best assumptions that we make about others. Be advised, their life is never as perfect as your mind makes it out to be.

There is no end to the comparison game. There is an infinite number of categories upon which you can compare yourself… and an almost infinite number of people to compare yourself to. Once you start down that road, you will never, ever find an end.
Life isn’t graded on a curve. How you measure up against others holds absolutely no importance in your life anyway. It simply makes no difference. The goal of life is not to be better than 50% of the other people on the planet. The goal of life is to be the best 'you' that you can possibly be.

Comparison puts your focus on the wrong person. You can control one life – yours. When we consistently compare ourselves to others, we waste precious energy focusing on other peoples’ lives rather than our own.

Comparison robs you of joy. Comparing yourself to others will always cause you to regret what you aren’t, rather than allow you to enjoy who you are. It will always steal the joy and happiness that is within your reach… and place it just outside of your reach instead. Many a contented life has surely been stolen by the unhealthy habit of comparing ourselves to others. Comparing ourselves to others will always rob us of gratitude, joy, and fulfilment.

But even more than, it prevents us from fully living our lives. It calls us to envy someone else’s life and seek theirs rather than ours. It is robbing us of our most precious possession: life itself.

And while the temptation to compare may never be completely eliminated, there are certainly some practical steps that we can take to move past it. Consider a few of these:

1. Recognise the inherent problems in comparing yourself to another. Take a good look at the explanation of what comparison causes, above. Why would we want any habit in our life that promotes feelings of inferiority? Or consistently promotes envy, competition, and strife with no end in sight? Sometimes, just a reminder of the foolishness contained in the habit is the most important step in overcoming it.

2. Celebrate who you are. There are many wonderful things about your life. You are photographer… or a businessman… or a mother… or a good listener… or a writer.... Or a student... or a generous soul. You have much to celebrate and are entirely unique. Any comparison between you and another person is like comparing apples to oranges. They aren’t living your life, you are. Therefore, you should expect the results to be completely different.

3. Focus inward. Value generosity, humility, goodness, kindness, and love. Begin to focus on developing the inward qualities of a simplified life and the externals will lose their beauty. And the quicker we find beauty on the inside, the sooner we’ll stop comparing things on the outside (skin-deep beauty, paychecks, or power or fame).

4. Realize life is not a competition. There may be times when competition is appropriate, but life is not one of them. We have all been thrown together at this exact moment on this exact planet. And the sooner we stop competing against others to “win,” the faster we can start working together to figure it out. The only reason you should think life is a competition is if Ajala(the yoruba custodian of Head(head is where your destiny is embedded)) gave you and several others the same head. It is one man per one different head means one man, one race.

5. Remember that nobody is perfect. We live in a society that glamorises perfection. Magazines, news, social media, photos with perfect faces are telling one-sided stories of great triumph and fulfilment. One important step to avoiding the lure of comparison is to remember that one snapshot in time never tells the whole story. The story is never told of the hours in a make-up room or the photo editing technique to cover the blemishes. Photographers will tell you the stress they go through before they make their clients laugh, edit and adjust if need be. Even with this, photographers can never edit their inner beauty or ugliness. The story is rarely told of their insecurities or failures (except to mention how they overcame them). That story doesn’t sell nearly as many magazines. But the truth remains: there are no perfect people – including you and including me.

6. Live as intentional as possible. Too many people live their lives without intentionality or thought. They rarely find a quiet moment to sit in meditation or solitude and examine their life, who they are and who they are becoming. As a result, lives are lived as a reaction to the events around them. But when a life is lived intentionally and thoughtfully, the comparison game becomes less attractive.

As humans, it is in our nature to compare ourselves to others. But nothing good ever comes from it. So let’s stop comparing ourselves to others. We were not born to live their life. There is no sense wasting our life (or energy) being jealous of theirs. Instead, let’s start living our lives. Let’s determine today to be good at it. After all, we only get one shot. YOLO or YODO, YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT.

Other Men In Her Life

When the other men in her life is not her daddy and probably her brothers, then you have Job on your hand to do, to keep your woman.

When you start seeing a woman, there can be a tendency to do one of two problematic things:

First, based on the fact that she’s into you, you can get too comfortable.
She’s expressing interest. Girls are good at that. All the interest she is showing you starts to make you feel smug and think that you have this girl.
It feels like she’s not going anywhere.
They’re good at making it seem like you are her only interest, whether or not this is actually the case.

Unless it’s exclusive and even then sometimes I can tell you it’s usually not the case. She has other interests.
If you spend any amount of time around gorgeous women, one thing becomes apparent. These women get a lot of attention from men without taking specific action to attract that attention.

Yes, she may get dolled up in the morning and take care of herself, but she has men talking to her whether she takes initiative with these men or not.
This could be simple catcalling on the street, men talking to her in restaurants and stores she goes into, or where she works. Some of these men she keeps around as friends. Some of these men really are just friends.
Others are hangers, guys who indefinitely hang around with her as a “friend,” hoping it will somehow turn into something more while she has zero intention of ever getting romantic with them. Or she may have some real prospects she keeps around in case her current relationship with you ends.
A dick in a glass jar break in case of emergency. She will keep these men around for support or validation or just because she’s bored and wants someone to talk to(I get mad for this because women go straight in to the trap of men who wants to devour them, discussing the problems they have with their current men). If she’s attractive then there are men in her life. And there will always be opportunities for her to bring new men into her life.
True, most of those guys are total douchebags, but if she should desire, most attractive women could easily keep a couple guys hanging around in the wings. The fact that there are other options for her means you need to stay vigilant.

If you don’t keep things interesting for her, she may start to get bored. She’ll feel unchallenged. And she may start to consider other options.

The second problematic tendency is the opposite of the first. Based on the fact that you really like her and know there are other men in her life, you start to get a little insecure(I'm the king at this). And you overcompensate, usually by playing too many games. That can be just as bad as the first tendency of not playing any game at all. The problem with that is that a lot of these tactics tend to push her away and also leave you emotionally closed off to her.
And then she ends up running into the arms of another guy because you didn’t give her enough closeness and validation.

So how do you know when to do some but not too much? I have a frame I call the RELATIONSHIP ASSUMPTION. It goes like this: I assume at all times that she has three guys she talks to who are into her, but don’t challenge her like I do.

What does this assumption do for me?
Well, if I just thought about all these guys chasing after her, it could make me insecure. That’s why I assume they aren’t very good at challenging her (and frankly compared to me they probably aren’t.) That way I don’t hold back too much for fear of getting played by her. And I also challenge her, but not too much.

This assumption forces me to stay on my toes at all time, even with the most loving of girls, without getting insecure. You never want to stop keeping her on her toes a little or keep her guessing. If you do, you’ll get caught unaware. You want to inject some measures to make her wonder.
You don’t want to stop being flirtatious, unpredictable and slightly mysterious, or she will start to lose attraction for you. No matter how confident you are, there will always be guys bolder than you out there taking a shot at your woman. Women are loyal. But loyalty only goes not so far. She needs a little bit of excitement and unpredictability.

How do you inject a little bit of excitement into the relationship? Frankly, there is an entire world of techniques that you can use to keep her on her toes.

One example would be that if you’re the one who always takes initiative with her, drop out of sight until she takes initiative. Another example is to tell her you have a surprise for her and refuse to tell her what it is until you give it to her. You want to maintain some tension with her on some level, or the relationship slips into a neutered friend zone. That’s when you lose the girl.

One of the most important aspects of relationship maintenance is figuring out how much to “game” the woman you’re with to keep her interested.
By adopting the relationship assumption, you have a solid frame for dealing with her that shouldn’t make you insecure but also reminds you to stay on your toes.

Instant Gratification or Long Term Satisfaction?

How are you doing in the tug-of-war between working toward your long term goals and the temptation of instant gratification? It is amazing how so many areas of life are affected by the gravitational pull of these two forces.

Have you ever wondered why it is so difficult to stick to a long term success plan and so easy to be derailed by things that only provide momentary pleasure? Why is it so challenging to do push ups and watch your diet, and so easy to eat junk food(the lots of coke, pepsi I , Shina and Abdulai but difficult to drink jedi). Why would any of us choose to spend hours on social media sites rather than do the work that pays the bills?

What’s the real draw of instant gratification?

I am sure you realize that the vast majority of advertising is designed to trigger impulse buying. But do you know what impulse buying and instant gratification have in common? They both appeal to our emotions in a way that overrides our logic. It shouldn’t come as a surprise then, that impulse buying is one of the most common sources of instant gratification.

In contrast, long term goals usually involve a logical decision followed by a commitment along with a certain amount of discipline. We may be emotionally attached to the intended outcome, but that’s not the same kind of emotional impulse that feeds an instant gratification craving.

What is the draw of long term satisfaction?

The kind of satisfaction that comes from pursuing our long term goals is one of substance. Anything that requires consistent effort over a long period of time is bound to leave us with a deeper sense of accomplishment. Unlike instant gratification, this is the category where we work to make our dreams become reality.

Reasonableness dictates that truly significant achievements require significant effort and time to be realized. There is usually nothing instantaneous about it. In fact, this approach is often referred to as deferred gratification. It involves greater gratification, but we have to be willing to wait for it.

Is there room for both?

That’s really what we want, isn’t it? We want to reach for our dreams and the things that bring long term satisfaction, while having our days accented with some instant gratification. So, the question is, can we have both or will one always pull against the other?

Of course we can have both, but some management is required so that we maintain a healthy state of balance and don’t end up abandoning our long term goals in favor of the quick fix.

3 ways to balance instant gratification with long term satisfaction

1. Use the reward system. We all like to be rewarded for our efforts and we naturally work harder when there is a reward in the near future. An example of this approach might be when we are watching our diet and trying to get in shape. The longer we go without those forbidden foods, the stronger our cravings become.

The solution is to reward yourself with a treat meal after a week of effort. This approach allows you to satisfy your craving so you won’t feel deprived. And, you will give yourself something to look forward to during the week. It’s a win-win situation as long as you control the frequency of those instant gratification treat meals.

2. Punctuate long term goals with regular celebration points. Identify milestones along the path of your long term goals and use them as opportunities to celebrate what you’ve accomplished up to that point. If you are building a business, you could choose to celebrate every time your income goes up by 50k or 100k per month.

3. Give yourself daily approval and acknowledgment. One of the greatest sources of gratification is approval and acknowledgment. You don’t need to look elsewhere for this kind of gratification. All you need to do is take the time to commend yourself for what you’ve accomplished. Withholding this kind of approval can cause you to seek it from outside sources like comfort foods or mindless time wasting activities.

I suggest you make time to do this at the end of every day. It’s not a big deal, but it does make a big difference in your level of gratification. Simply review your day and give yourself your personal thumbs up for a job well done.

Instant gratification and long term satisfaction

With a little planning you can have them both and maintain a healthy sense of balance. If some form of instant gratification is throwing your life out of balance, apply one of these three strategies to help restore your equilibrium.

Beyond The Transformation at Crystal Palace - Oladayo Akin

The English Premier League (EPL) season has come and gone. And as usual, it was fun all through till the last day of the league. As much as there was fun, there were lessons to be learnt also. One of such lessons formed the basis of this write up.
So much praises has been showered on the manager of Crystal Palace, Tony Pulis for his transformation of Crystal Palace Football Club. While not taking anything away from Tony Pulis tactical genius, I think and believe the unsung hero in the transformation is Mr Ian Holloway, Crystal Palace former manager.
I have to personally admit that I was surprised when Ian Holloway announced that he was leaving Crystal Palace. What got me more surprised was the reason he gave for leaving. In his words and I quote:
“This Club needs an impetus of energy. But I just feel tired to be honest. I am worn out. I have to hold my hand up and say we didn’t keep the spirit that got us up”
Mr Ian Holloway left Palace after just eight (8) league games and thirty (30) league games to go in the English Premier League. Even though results has not been going his way with just a win and seven (7) losses in eight (8) league games, thirty (30) league games to virtually all 21st century managers is a lot to change the fortunes of any sinking club. But rather than wait to see the fortunes the 30 league games will bring, Mr Ian Holloway like Robin Van Persie listened to the little boy inside him and left Palace by mutual consent. After leaving, Tony Pulis was appointed the new manager of the club. The appointment of Tony Pulis injected new life into the club and brought about the listed results below.
Crystal Palace finished 11th on the English Premier League log which by their standard is a remarkable success.
Selhurst Park, the current home ground of Palace is somehow turning out to be a fortress ground against big guns. If you think am exaggerating on this, ask Chelsea and Liverpool fans.
Tony Pulis who prior to his take over at Crystal Palace has never won an individual award in the English Premier League was voted the Premier League manager of the year.
One may not but asked this question; what if Ian Holloway decided to remain as manager of Crystal Palace and fight for survival? This is a question begging for answers. Answers could probably be:
He may eventually get sacked if the poor runs continue. That will be a dent to his managerial career.
He may eventually get Crystal Palace to stay in the Premier League but definitely not the miraculous manner Tony Pulis has done it many will argue.
Crystal Palace may relegate back to the championship after just a season in the top flight of the English Football.

Looking at the possible answers above, one can easily draw up conclusion that Ian Holloway leaving the club has done more good than harm to the club.

In all, I praise the man Ian Holloway for that bold and selfless move. Many of his contemporaries would not dare it, they will wait till the club show them the way out. It is a moral lesson for all of us that sometimes when we seem not to be in control of some situations any longer, to quit is an option which can bring about desirable success to such situations.

Thanks and congratulation to Manchester City Football Club on winning the English Premier League. It was well deserved.

MINDSET MAKES THE DIFFERENCE

THE DIFFERENCE THAT MAKES THE DIFFERENCE- A WINNING MINDSET
The difference between the mindset of a winner and that of a loser, is the difference that makes the difference.

The difference between having a happy, fulfilled and joyful life or one that seems like a continuous string of obstacles and difficulties we can never seem to overcome.

And that difference is choice. The choice to give up or to carry on.

The knowledge that it is not the problems and obstacles we face that define us, but rather our reaction and response to those hurdles.

In fact most of us already know this but still we find it difficult or even impossible to break out of old habitual thought patterns that keep us locked in. Locked into non-productive and limiting negative mindsets and thought patterns.

We know and understand that we need to think and act in a "positive" manner, but we nevertheless carry on regardless, not fully committing to making those changes in our lives that will liberate us - finally.

And even when we do commit, we are often defeated by our own self-sabotage routines that slide in unconsciously and rob us of our motivation to persist and succeed in our chosen path.

The reasons for that are of course the very reasons we have a problem in the first place. Old habits die hard. In most cases, our whole life is one long chain of physical and mental habits. Habits that are ingrained and conditioned deep below any conscious level. Habits of thought that are outside our conscious control. Habits and conditioned thoughts that are on subconscious auto-pilot.

Any deliberate conscious effort to make changes are sabotaged by that part of the mind that is in real control - the subconscious mind.

Although meditation and various other self help can yield some positive results, these results are only superficial because to create meaningful changes in our lives we need to make fundamental structural changes deep within ourselves.

We need to get to the root. The root of our negative and self defeating behaviour and thought patterns.

And to do that we need to access the deeper recesses of the mind. We need to access the subconscious directly. To implant new conditioning and thought patterns based on the correct empowering beliefs that generate the correct positive empowering thoughts that lead to correct actions and good results.

We need to bypass the critical filters of the conscious mind and go directly to the source of power - your subconscious mind.

Desire For A Rich Man

If you have come to a point in your life where you know that what you truly want is a rich man, then by all means, do it! There is nothing wrong with wanting a man who is well stocked with resources instead of a man who struggles to pay his rent( to struggle to pay your rent is not bad afterall, every stage in life is a passing phase), just be sure to think things out and make moves that count towards your goal just as you would take classes that count towards your degree. Winning a rich man is a serious business that requires a well constructed plan and a cool head.

*Note: this is not a way for little girls to be happy. I'm not saying your flirting around and dashing away the precious juices of your cookie jar all to get that fraudster is good or legit. I'm just saying as a lady to want a man with money (a made man) is not bad as to what people think.


If you feel guilty about wanting a rich man just as yourself, Is it any worse than a man wanting a beautiful woman over a plain one?

As a matter of fact, I want a lady from a rich background who I won't need to spend on my penny on. To marry or date a lady from almost average class in Nigeria is difficult. They ask you to do everything for them and still ungracious. (got a lot of them, even in my "little city"). *No apology*.


Women are naturally impressed with men such as Aliko dangote, Femi Otedola, who have mastered the art of making their money grow, because it is a strongly masculine trait that only the top dogs ever master, and a goal that women "seldom" achieve on their own. So, don't blame yourself for being a nasty "gold digger", instead, embrace who you are and treat your quest to marry a millionaire like your part time job until you achieve your ultimate goal. And a man should not tag any lady "gold digger". It is unfair to tag any lady a gold digger(except she's actually there to just steal and leave). If your mine is actually big, there's no reason you won't want someone to benefit from it's fullness. Most guys who call girls gold digger are frustrated by their own empty pocket because the is 0 guy who does not want to impress his lady with some cash.

Just as powerful men pursue business ventures, you should master the art of conquering rich men. I've had series of talks with my sisters, telling them how I'd give them to any rich footballer without second thought (Loool, all jokes but.....).


You get the general idea. It probably won't just happen for the average woman(like my sisters). Studying your prey and cleverly working your game is what will bring any man you want to his knees.

You would need a whole lot of everything to win a rich man or even a poor one, without a good game plan.

Most women need to prove that they are worth the effort of matrimony by making the wealthy man she has her heart set on feel at ease and earn his trust through demonstrating her ultra feminine traits over a period of months or, in most situations, years.

In short, your "job" of winning a rich man's heart is truly a full time one, because you have to be on your toes at all times and never become just another common girl in his eyes.

I don't have a specific plan for you, mentioned just what I know. But you are the lady here, common go for it!!!!

Please this is no 'sayer' that ladies should leave happiness for money or leave the guy you so much love for money. And also I'm not saying you should not endure with whoever you want to endure with. It will be cool if you endure with him because sooner or later, his pocket is going to get pregnant. But to desire a man with a good job, huge income is not bad. And if you want such man, you have to go for it.

How The Modern African Churches Have Lost Focus

How The Modern African Churches Have Lost Focus

By Honourable Saka

It is an established fact that Jesus did not own any material thing throughout the years he spent on earth. It was said that even the donkey he rode to Jerusalem was for somebody. Men of God must learn to live like Christ; not to compete with ordinary mortals for the riches of the earth. Today, wealthy Nigerian pastors spend over $225million on private jets. Over 130 new private jets have been acquired since 2007 at an average cost of $60milion per private jet. Many young ones are therefore seeing the pastors calling to be a very lucrative business. Perhaps, this explains the reason why there are currently so many false prophets around.


In the Holy Bible (Matthew 6:19-20, Luke 12:33), Jesus said: "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. Is this not what the Bible teaches? Do our modern men of God really remember this biblical advice?

I feel so ashamed to see pastors riding in limousines, range rovers, owning a fleet of flashy cars and private jets while the congregants always stand in the scorching sun waiting for the government to provide them with bus. I feel worried to see pastors spending as much as $200 million on private jets that flies only once in a year on a holiday trip, while majority of their congregants who cannot even afford a one-square-meal a day, continue to pray day and night for a miracle, so that they will be able to send their children to school.

According to Mathew 19:21, Jesus said: If you will be perfect, go and sell what you have, and give to the poor, and you shall have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.  Therefore why don't Christians, especially the men of God, sell their possessions and give the money to the poor like Jesus said? Why are they rather buying private jets, mansions and living all sort of flamboyant lifestyle?

With the current “men of God's” attitude of spending over $85million per private jet (year after year), while they live in African communities where the vast majority of the youths survive on less than $1 a day, it leaves one to wonder whether the modern African churches have the welfare of society at heart.

Can anybody imagine how many lives in Nigeria a whopping $85 million can transform overnight? Imagine how many hospitals or clinics this amount can build. Imagine how many academic scholarships, this amount can provide to the many of the youth who have been praying for years, all because they want opportunity to go to school? Are these men of God truly following the teachings of the Holy Bible? Why are we not seeing them do exactly what Lord expects of His preachers?

In many communities across the African continent, majority of our people continue to live in total darkness (without electricity), we are still grappling with poor healthcare infrastructure, dangerous road networks, lack of educational infrastructure, among others. Most of all, the vast majority of the youth are still grappling with mass unemployment. Of course one would say that it isn’t the duty of the church to be creating jobs. But instead of acquiring these luxurious lifestyles and the countless number of private jets, would it be a bad idea if the church were to invest these amounts of money in the lives of ordinary people, especially the poor?

I know many preachers in Ghana who would never have been where they are today if not for the fact that there were many orthodox churches which built more schools that gave them quality education. Above all, these churches had scholarship packages in place whereby many brilliant but needy students were often sponsored to study both home and abroad.

If you were to ask majority of the young ones who are often spotted at the various prayer camps what their problems were, many would tell you they’re praying for jobs, praying for a miracle (financial sponsorship) to further their education. Many others continue to count on God to heal them of various diseases because they do not have money to foot their medical bills if they were to go to the hospitals.

Yet, in spite of all these, our men of God and our religious leaders who have the power of spiritual discernments, and who can envision the nature of our woes, pretend they have no clue whatsoever as to how best the church can contribute to relieve the youth of their burden. The churches continually pay a blind eye to the needs of the poor within the church itself. It is usually the rich men who seem to receive the attention of the church. In fact, many rich men are usually given some positions in the church all because of the financial contributions they can make at any given time.

But it is easy to understand because the Holy Bible says in Proverbs 14:20 that “The poor are disliked even by their neighbours, but the rich have many friends”.

For the past few years, I have been wondering and wondering: Wasn’t it the missionary and the orthodox churches that built many universities, training colleges, secondary schools and basic schools, community libraries etc, across Africa that gave quality education to many of today's pastors?

In Ghana, Nigeria, Kenya, Zambia, South Africa among others, one can list a countless number of schools: basic schools, secondary schools, training colleges, and even universities  all of which were built by the orthodox churches such as the Presbyterian Church, the Methodist Church, the Roman Catholic Church, just to mention a few.

Typical examples in Ghana are: Presbyterian University College, Catholic University College, Ghana Baptist University College, Methodist University, Pentecost University, Christ Apostolic University College and many more.

These universities have been offering quality education and all the support to the poor and the needy in Ghana.

At the same time, some of the best secondary schools in Ghana have usually been the ones built by the orthodox churches in the likes of Pope John’s Secondary School (Roman Catholic), Saint Rose’s Secondary School (Roman Catholic), Presbyterian Boys Secondary School (Presby), Saint Peter’s Secondary School (Roman Catholic), just to mention a few.

Thanks to the orthodox churches. Today, Ghana can boast of many best schools that have contributed to producing quality engineers, medical doctors, architects, lawyers, professors and all sorts of wonderful professionals most of whom received their education in one or two of the schools build by the orthodox churches without paying a penny.

But today, it hurts me so much to ask: What happened to the modern charismatic churches and their pastors? Why are many of them only interested in acquiring mansions abroad, buying a fleet of luxurious cars, throwing up expensive parties, and most recently competing among themselves to own the latest fleet of cars or which one has the most sophisticated number of private jets.   

Why must the media bother us with questions such as: “who is the richest pastor”, “which pastor has the highest number of private jets”, “how many pastors are richer than the most corrupt politicians” and so on?

Instead of competing among themselves with feeding the poor and the hungry, providing their communities with basic infrastructure,  creating institutions that will empower the youth in areas of science and technology, building libraries with ICT facilities that will serve to cater for the dearth of knowledge in society;  rather, it saddens my heart to see today’s men of God competing to live an affluent life style while majority of the young ones continue to pray for angels to and save them.

Recently, it is becoming increasingly clear that the ‘modern’ African churches have lost focus. This is because, thought they know exactly what the Bible teaches, many of the leadership are rather interested in enjoying the worldly pleasures. Our modern religion is becoming the most profitable industries/businesses. The modern church business is a multi-million dollar businesses which rival that of oil tycoons. 

Mfonobong Nsehe, a Nigerian blogger who blogs for Forbes business magazine, says pastors own businesses from hotels to fast-food chains.

“Preaching is big business. It’s almost as profitable as the oil business,” he said.
The joint wealth of five pastors was at least $300m (£200m). These pastors are flamboyant. You see them with private jets and expensive cars”

Consequently, many of the youth are forcing themselves into becoming men of God at all cost. They see the church business to be lucrative. Thus, they establish churches not as instruments for the transformation of lives in society but as a means to acquire wealth and luxury without any hard work. No wonder about 90% of today’s sermons are all about prosperity and the quest to become rich. Nobody preaches salvation any longer and there is no more love - a clear indication that the end time is here.

Honourable Saka is the project coordinator for the Project Pan-Africa, available at: www.projectpanafrica.org. He can be contacted on Email: honourablesaka@yahoo.co.uk. He is grateful to all the  media partners which support his vision for the African youth.

Dating is Dead : Social Media effect.

Dating is dead. So says the media.

Girls, stop expecting guys to make any formal attempt at winning your affections. Don’t sit around waiting for a boy/guy/man to make you a priority, communicate his intentions, or even call you on the phone. Exclusivity and intentionality are ancient rituals, things of the past, and misplaced hopes.

I beg to differ. It’s not that this new line of thinking is necessarily untrue today, or that it’s not the current and corrupt trend of our culture. It’s wrong. One of our most precious pursuits, that of a life-long partner for all of life, is tragically being relegated to tweets, texts, and Facebook pokes, to ambiguous flirtation and fooling around. It’s wrong.

If you’ve been away from the dating scene for long, you may be surprised to find how much has changed. A nervous phone call has been replaced with an impersonal note or text; a private break-up has become a public spectacle. Ladies now take to twitter/facebook and other social media networks to tell people that they are tired of their relationships. Instead of settling your disputes or making a gentle get away(break up), we prefer to now take advice from number of followers /online friends who are in the shallow of their own errors.

Like I said in two of my plenty posts (kidding about plenty) , I'm not campaigning against social media but I'm not a big fan of it. There’s no doubt that social media sites, such as Facebook, LinkedIn, BBM and Twitter, have improved our lives in many ways. It’s free and easy to stay in touch with family and friends, find a job, or boost the visibility of a business, but its impact on the dating world has raised a host of concerns.

Arguably, subscribers to social media would say social media made contact easier. Yes it is true, I like the fact too. I met pool of ladies through it but only one metamorphosed into dating. I'm thankful for that. But please don't let's not forget the age of zero social media(or its awareness, because if you are not aware of an entity then it doesn't exist). Social media makes getting a date (and breaking up with a partner) as simple as the click of a mouse. This can have a number of positive and negative side effects. Because social media sites take away the immediacy of person-to-person contact, men and women are more likely to initiate contact than they once were. Distance, a busy schedule and lack of access to potential partners are no longer barriers to dating.

On the negative side, for those looking for a committed, long-term relationship, social media may be making it too easy to meet people. Easy accessibility to an enormous pool of potential partners may be contributing to serial dating (juggling multiple relationships at one time), promiscuity and infidelity. Though we’re able to contact a long list of people, social media sites may not be enabling the deep, long-lasting companionship that many hope to find. Rather than investing in one or two serious relationships, people may find themselves only superficially engaged in a series of short-term interactions.

You can learn a lot about a person through profiles and blogs before agreeing to meet. If they tweet, you can even find out mundane details about what they had for lunch or who they hung out with after work.

But even with extensive detective work, the truth is you never really know what you’re going to get. While social networking sites attract millions of smart, well-adjusted people, there are just as many people lying about who they are, what they do and how they look. Some are outright dangerous. The truth is you never know which of these individuals will show up looking to take you on a date. Like the case of Bimbo Eyinade, who went to archi (somewhere in OAU) but was disappointed with the look and had to run. Oh! Abdulahi's story is funny too but story for another day.

Depending on your privacy settings, status updates may allow your entire online social network to see the changes that take place in your personal life. Met a new beau? Great, but now the dilemmas begin: Who changes their Facebook status first? What if the other doesn’t reciprocate? Who says I love you first? By that, dating is dying and genuine dating chances are breaking because one party picked loving through his/her heart rather than through BBM status, twitter etc.

These are the killers of healthy relationship.

Someone once accused me of stating problems, but not solving it. Infact I'm not sorry to say i had a burst out with someone so dear because I couldn't give the solution to what I think is a recurring problem. But for me I think we in ourselves know the solution(s). Look inwardly into the problem, what caused it, how you got in.

Social Media : The Game We Play

Maybe the exile doomed on me this kind of thoughts..... Been on and off the terrain and all I got is this. I am a 20-something, and social media is not the reality but I use it every day. Since the inception of facebook, I cannot remember a week that has gone by where I have not checked one of my social media forums to see what New Things have gone on, or what Nice/Funny Things people are commenting, what's trending and what the new cool is. And I have realized that I am, we all are, self-absorbed assholes. Does it make it okay that we are self-absorbed assholes as a cohort, storming the streets while taking selfies? And live-tweeting every action we make, every step we take.(Gbenga's sub, lool). Or is it just ridiculous that we have been raised in a culture so self-entitled that we are under the impression that our every thought is worth our every friends’ attention and clicks of gratification?

Multiple times daily, hourly, I take my phone from its position no further than three feet from me and flick instinctually to twitter/bbm/Facebook. I numblingly scroll through the current fixed lives of my several hundred casual friends to see what they are up to at that given moment in time. Everyone on my news feed looks so polished underneath their 'Valencia' pain(the man united player's recent apollo injury). They are out with their social media warmth, and me, ignoring whatever warmth is currently surrounding me physically. It seems like a different world, this social media game we play. People, toddling around yards and spaces, judging one another’s happiness by comments, subs, pms, dps. And every like on our posts or every 'true talk' comment on our pms and Timeline is like Winning points. The winning of points based on a computer programed definition of happy; losing points by doing nothing when no one was keeping score. It is a warped game we play, indeed, and we are all playing along like this is forever the norm.

What is ironic and yet understandable to me is the way newlyweds take on facebook before and after their wedding. At that time most couples are unknowingly rubbing their happiness in the faces of all their single friends. Also funny to me how some certain friends likes my post (sensible or not). The best of Facebook friends, giving a thumbs-up to each other’s life accomplishments and then quickly scrolling past said accomplishment on our news feeds, onto our next best friend’s life event that we could bestow a Like upon. Silent praise and envy, mixed into one single passive-aggressive click. I hated it and relished in it at the same time.

Basically, every time we see that someone positively acknowledged our carefully calculated social media world and its posts, we get off to it like it is a drug. It feels good. Then the feeling fades, and we want more. Dopamine is a funny thing, and it is a key player in reward-driven learning. I posted a photo of me infront of trend express(a wrist watch stand in Lagos) and it received way more attention than the inspirational quote I posted a day before it. The People do not want to hear your shit. Man was not created to see what 800 people were doing at one time. Man was created to go out and seek the world, rather than scroll through it.

The main focus of social media is ourselves, and ourselves in comparison to other people. Even if you had not realized that before: how awesome do you feel about your year in a cubicle after seeing your friend’s 850 photographs of him backpacking through life-drama without a care in the world? We are torn between our current lives and our ficticious lives. We post “casual” photographs with friends at a bar in our best outfits, wearing sunglasses indoors like celebrities. And inside, we might feel silly. But outside, we are just playing the game. And after all, that bar photo got like, 53 likes.

I realized that social media, or, Social Media, has been a part of my entire teenaged experience(no longer one tho'). It is an unstoppable force, impossible to get rid of, tap-dancing in our faces to remind us of what we are missing and why everyone should love us, the star of the show. I see ladies pursing their lips in “duck face” mode at the camera, hips popped, elbows out, modeling whatever trend we have created where this is an acceptably sexy pose. I see shirtless guys with crappy abs , photos of fast cars and unobtainable sunsets, selfies and exotic locations. Most of all, what I see is a brag board of envy, a place to highlight our highs in life and to slip past our lows. I on the other hand post both the highs and lows in life that's why I rant a lot on social media, I don't slip past my lows because if I'm gracious to let you know the highs in my life then you must be gracious to accept my lows too (but reasonably both lows and highs should have been kept in a box of secret). I see a carefully constructed fake life, where we tell one of our 563 friends that “ girl, you look so good in that dress,” and then talk shit about how slutty that dress was to our friends later. We are lose-lose in these scenarios. We are lovers and haters of ourselves and those around us. We have false idols and false lives( like I said in an old post). We are posters of fake Marilyn Monroe or winston churchill inspirational quotes and manipulators of photographs, pouring endlessly over which shade and tone slims our thighs the best. We are the writers, directors, producers, and actors in our own lives. And yet we remain our biggest fans, barely noticing the half-hearted groupies hanging on.

I am not trying to start a revolution. I just want to express a state of mind, and hopefully inflict a spot of light onto your consciousness. Maybe next time you go to take a photo of the beautiful sunset in front of you, you don’t. Maybe you just sit in the quiet of the world around you, alone, and watch the sunset quickly fade. And maybe, as it sets, you don’t have to tell anyone about it. You can watch it slink past the skyline and fade away into the distance, and know that it will be back in the morning to cast a light on your new day. Regardless if all of your friends or none of your friends liked that sunset, what matters is that you did. And maybe we don’t need a heart or a Like to give us that satisfaction.

But remember this: no matter how many selfies you take, no matter how many filters you apply, and no matter how many Likes your photo gets, we are all human. And none of us are getting out alive. So next time you take out your camera, think about capturing the moment, rather than capturing a moment just to filter and post it. Because remarking on everything remarkable, just somehow makes that moment extremely unremarkable.

Agreeableness and Not Being Hurt

My good readers, I sure miss this place. Been away, my notepad is full but no full savings to get a medium to get my message across to you lovely people. It's fun living on the other side of the world..... Not to say much, I just want to share with you a little thing I gained while being on the other side of the world.


When you look at the other people in your life, there are lots of ways that you are the same. You speak the same language, you all eat a few times a day and you have a tendency to breathe regularly. There are also lots of ways that you differ. Some of those differences are physical -- some people are tall and others are short -- but many of them have to do with behavior.

The differences in the way people behave form what we call their personality. There's a core aspect of personality called agreeableness. Agreeableness reflects how important it is for you to get along with other people. If you are highly agreeable, then you organize your life in ways to make sure that the people around you are happy and that they feel warmly toward you. If you are not that agreeable, then you don’t really care much about how the people around you feel about you.

Now, you might think that being agreeable is generally a good thing and that being disagreeable is not. After all, if you are disagreeable, you may get people angry with you or you might turn off your friends. Disagreeable people may come off as judgmental or cold. But I'd choose being disagreeable these days because being nice to people who don't deserve it, is really painful.

But people who are highly agreeable are often too nice. And that can be a huge problem.

Remember, that if you are highly agreeable, you want other people to like you. As a result, you may not want to say things to other people that might upset them. That means that you will not stick up for yourself in lots of situations. You may not tell a friend or significant other that you are not interested in going to an event that they want to attend. You may not tell someone else that they have upset you. You probably have a hard time asking for a raise.

Being agreeable in this part of the world sometimes for youths is about doing what others are doing because you want to be agreeable with the ill-way of some profligating youths.

Being to nice is not just about pleasing just friends alone, it's at times about pleasing your girlfriend/boyfriend. When you do everything just to come out to her as a nice spouse. Nothing bad in it until you are being taken for granted.

What can you do if you find that you’re being too nice? Here are a few suggestions.

Say what you mean. Agreeable people often speak indirectly when they want to criticize or to disagree. If you and your friends are deciding on a plan, and someone suggests something that you don’t enjoy doing, don’t say something vague like, “That isn’t my favorite thing,” or “I guess that is ok.” Be more direct. It is ok to say, “I don’t enjoy that.” You may not always get your way, but at least your opinion will be known.

Write what you can’t say. One problem with not expressing yourself directly is that you may end up resenting people who always get their way. Rather than putting yourself in a position where you may resent others, try to find some way to communicate with them. Writing can help. When you write a note or email to someone else, you distance yourself from their direct reaction. That can be helpful for starting a difficult conversation. While it is always better to speak to someone directly than to write to them, it is better to write than to say nothing at all. People questions this method a lot, the way I rant on BBM and twitter but as much as it is questionable, it helps!

Engage your friends. Often, when you have to say something that you are afraid might offend someone, you assume the worst. You begin to believe that someone else will take what you have to say in the worst possible way. In the end, it is easy to talk yourself out of communicating at all, because you fear a negative reaction.

In those cases, find a neutral friend and explain the situation. Tell them what you plan to say and get their reaction. Sometimes, your friend may suggest other ways of approaching the interaction. But, often, your friends will help you to realize that your complaint is not going to cause a huge rift. That can give you the confidence to say what you need to say.

In the end, the key is to make sure that you communicate with people as directly as possible. When you are a nice person, that communication can be difficult. But, in the end, it will make your relationships stronger.

The Man In The Glass

The Man in the Glass

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn’t your father or mother or wife
Who judgement upon you must pass;
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.


Some people may think your a straight-shootin’ chum
And call you a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look him straight in the eye.
He’s the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you clear up to the end.
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
And get pats on your back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.

Bitter in the cup of Joy: Time flies!

Once more I had sunshine. The clouds seemed to depart as suddenly as they had risen, and that same rejoicing and rosy light which had encircled the brow of manhood at its dawn long shrouded, seemingly lost for ever, and swallowed up in darkness--came out as softly
and quietly in the maturer day, as if its sweet serene had never known even momentary obscuration.

Love, verily, is the purple light of youth. If it abides, blessing and blessed, with the unsophisticated heart, youth never leaves us. Gray brows make not age--the feeble step, the wrinkled visage, these indicate the progress of time, but not the passage of youth.
Happy hearts keep us in perpetual spring, and the glow of childhood without its weaknesses is ours to the final limit of seventy. The sense of desolation, the pang of denial, the baffled hope, and the defrauded love, these constitute the only age that should ever give the heart a pang. I can fancy a good myself as a man advancing through all the mortal stages from seventeen to seventy-five, and crowned by the sympathies of corresponsive affections, simply going on from youth to youth, ending at last in youth's perfect immortality!

The hope of this--not so much a hope as an instinct--is the faith of our boyhood. The boy, as the father of the man, transmits this hope to riper years; but if the experience of the day correspond not with the promise of the dawn, how rapidly old age comes upon us! White hairs, lean cheeks, withered muscles, feeble steps, and that dull, dead feeling about the heart--that utter abandonment of cheer--which would be despair were it not for a certain blunted sensibility--a sort of drowsy indifference to all things that the day brings forth, which, as it takes from life the excitement of every passion, leaves it free from the sting of any. Yet, were not the tempest better than the calm? Who would not prefer to be driven before the treacherous hurricane of the blue gulf, than to linger midway on its shoreless waters, and behold their growing stagnation from day to day? The apathy of the passions is the most terrible form in which age makes its approaches.

With an earnest, sanguine temperament, such as mine, there is little danger of such apathy, The danger is not from lethargy but madness. I had escaped this danger. It was surprising, even to myself, how suddenly my spirits had arisen from the pressure that had kept them down. In a moment, as it were, that mocking troop
of fears and sorrows which environed me, took their departure. We have our gods and devils in our own hearts. The nature of the deities we worship depends upon our own. In a savage state, the Deity is savage, and expects bloody sacrifices; with the progress
of civilization his attributes incline to mercy. The advent of Jesus Christ indicated the advance of the Hebrews to a higher sense of the human nature. It was the advent of the popular principle, which has been advancing steadily ever since and keeping due pace with the progress of Christian education. The people were rising at the expense of the despotism which had kept them down.

I said to myself the kind of my heart is aging, the whistles and the balloons of another heartily wishes weakens my heart. I wonder what why I jubilate and people celebrate me as I journey closer to my grave. My youth is going, my boyhood is fading and rush of overflowing testosterone spines over my body is reducing(as I age I won't have the full strength to please my lady). Yet, people democracy(choose or vote) to be happy as this bitter of moving closer to time ender angel drops in my cup of joy.

I picked a head from ajala, I was favored a destiny, which was unrevealed to me but as I grow the mysterious revelations of what I had chosen unravel. Some I cried, some I laughed and some my being will still donate more tears to the earth and some my existence will spread a sweet sensation of smiles and happiness all over me. But in all there'll always be bitter in a cup of joy, just never let it turn all joy to bitter. Realize that the bitter in your cup of joy is to tell you that life is not worthwhile without the harmony of opposites. As time flies, so do we go up and down, the moral is never let a little moment of sadness overrule a large sum of joy. As we move closer to our graves each day, let us appreciate the essence of our lives.


Happy new month.

What you believe

What others think of us is important (as contrary to the view I held) because we derive a large part of our self-image from them, especially when we are young. That includes what out parents think, what our peers think, and what our teachers think. We can even internalize what those who have never met us think (those who never met us but speak a whole new truth(note the sarcasm) about us).

If you hear something often enough, you might begin to believe it. Once you believe it, you react to live out of your belief system. If others tell you often enough and effectively enough that you cannot lead, you are likely to believe you cannot be a leader. I had an incidence with a lady I dated who constantly complained that I had pride in me, in my quest to prove her wrong I just ignore her and say foul words to her, thereby proving her point that I'm proud. You see through your beliefs, not through your eyes. Philosophy is more powerful than sight because by your philosophy you interpret what you see with your eyes.

You can resist self-limiting philosophy with spiritual and psychological ''re-conditioning'' and your parents, your church or mentors can help you develop a strong self-awareness that inoculates you from what the world thinks. Thanks to a host of few friends who told me not to always feel inferior and stood by me in gaining some testosterone.....and to my godmother who smacks me anytime I ''little'' my abilities and belief in myself. Bible as a reference said ''let God be true and every man a liar'' (romans 3:4). So what men say about us is a lie, only God is the truth speaker.

Whenever ''they'' (awon ota : enemies) say ''you can't make it'', they are lying. The old folks say flat out, ''the devil is a liar''. The only person you should believe is God. You can what God established for you. Anything less is a lie. If car manufacturer built a car to drive at speeds up to 110miles an hour, it can. If God specifies that you can lead, you can and you should. If God ''particulars'' a certain greatness for you, you will and you should. There are two aspects of achieving greatness; 1. God's will for you to be great and 2. You will, push and desire to fulfill God's plan(s) for you.

I'm not concerned with what degree you hold, how much training you've been to or even how many followers you have gained. I'm keenly interested in what you believe about yourself, other people and the world. Some of these great achievers are college drop-outs and just high school leavers. I'm not saying you should drop out or not get atleast two degrees but you should believe in your power to (i.e YOU CAN).

Philosophy is probably the most powerful force in the world. Philosophy begins with thoughts or ideas and ideas control the world. The power of an idea is that it can create reality. Everything begins with an idea (wonder).

Perhaps you are sitting on a chair right now, that chair used to be someone's idea. I'm presently eating eba as I'm writing this piece today, that eba was someone's idea. The phone I'm using to type now is someone's idea. These were ideas or concepts that became reality.

To have effect, ideas must be communicated from the mind of one person to the minds of others. It is words whether written or spoken that transmit those ideas.

If I have certain ideas in my head, I can transmit those ideas to yo through words on the pages of my blog. Everything that has ever been made began in this ''word''. The greek term translated here as word in english actually reflects a more complex concept than we might first think. The greek word is logos, which literally means ''something said(including the thought)'' or a ''a word (as embodying an idea)''.

Everything even our physical world began with the expression of an idea. This is a principle that applies to all aspects of our lives, including achieving greatness.

The Tear Rubber and Tokunbo Phenomenon

These days it is very difficult to see tear rubber. As a typical Naija guy or lady, you'd know what a tear rubber is. But for the uncouth ajebutter , tear rubber is when you get an object new and it's covered with nylon or any sort of covering. If you get anything as tear rubber, evidently you will be the one to tear the rubber and start using it. So in more of the realistic sense, tear rubber is more of a new thing and you are the sole confirmation of the authenticity of the status of it's newness.

To every one side, there's an other side. Do you relate? To every word, there's surely an opposite of it or a relatively close word that antagonizes it. In this locus, what the opposite of Tear rubber is, is Tokunbo. We all know tokunbo now..... Anyways it's what we profoundly and proudly call fairly used. In that sense it must have been used by a former procurer or series of owner.

This is more of a metaphorical inclination of my nirvana (Buddhism heaven) .

These two adjectives are more controversial in the business world, as some find ultimate accomplishment in getting a tear rubber because they want to be able flaunt it that they used it first. And some go for Tokunbo as they believe it has been used before and has faced the realities of the road.

But despite the subjectivity in choice, people still go around to criticize one another. Those who go for tear rubber see the tokunbo lovers as people who love cheap things. On the other hand tokunbo lovers see the tear rubber buyers as people who take the ''newness'' of an object to a whole new level, because they have the notion that whether new or old, you are using thesame object and they don't care about the effectiveness.

Now lemme break it down. Tear rubber = Virgins , Tokunbo = non virgins.

One of the most interesting quandaries to ever surface from the dating pool is whether or not dating a virgin is still a man's preference. In a world where sexual promiscuity is rampant and the practicing of abstinence has all but died out, just about everyone is having sex — so much so that deciding between virgins and non-virgins almost seems useless.

Ladies whether you are a virgin or not, never respect a man who ask you whether you are a virgin or not unless he's a pastor and as a pastor you should understand people have their past(s). The problemtation (thanks to DR Idowu Williams) of the Tear rubber and Tokunbo phenomenon emanated mostly from the lustrous desires of men (a debate for another day).

The problem with most men is that they want to have their cake and eat it to. They want to sleep with as many women as they like, yet frown on women who do the same.
And therein lies the problem: Guys find women for one-night stands, but they're extremely reluctant to settle down with women whose sexual history is just as colorful as their own.

So how is one supposed to find a virgin when "holding out" is considered passé, and women are pressured to put out?

We should put aside whether a girl is a tear rubber or tokunbo, what should be the first skin of our thoughts is to love a lady in rain and sunshine(Tho' some ladies level of promiscuity is un-withstand-able) . Some girls just like cars could be tear rubber got their own mechanical fault deep inside of them due to rustiness and the rationale that since they are virgins, they are pure and different. I'm not saying going for a virgin is bad, infact girls who keep their seal should be applauded because where in a century where hymen intactness is degrading.
But while do you have to discourage people who wants to go for a tokunbo when you know you won't go for them? Have you ever heard of redemption of glory? A glory can be restored..... Not that a virginity can get back to you thigh opening but there can be a sense of feeling a whole again, it's a thing of the mind.

I know that this is the 21st century, and most people nowadays are very accepting of their partners not being virgins, but I also know some guys who prefer that their gf's be virgins because they don't like the idea that she's been touched by other guys in her previous relationships.

I've discussed this matter with 2 of my guy friends and received 2 different opinions in response.


Guy 1: "I don't care whether or not she's a virgin. In fact, I prefer that she isn't a virgin because she'd have more experience, thus better sex. I don't mind that she's slept with guys before, as long as their relationship was serious, and she wasn't just screwing any random guy."

This is a guy who understands both sides. He's aware that if guys are to be judged on a level of virginity (pennisginity), only a 3percent of adult will make it. And like I said a tokunbo has faced the realities of the road, and will be extra careful in tolling that road again.


Guy 2: "Call me selfish, but I would rather date a virgin. Let me just ask you this: Would you rather buy a used car, or a new car? Honestly, I think most guys would prefer to date a girl who's never been touched before. As for experience, well, there's always a first time for everybody, and the virgin girl can always learn.

I don't what to say about this guy, as I do not belong to this school of thought. But he's got he's reasons well stated.

What i opined is that choosing who to date whether based on judging whether she's a virgin or not, should be a thing of self. You should know what you want and don't use what you want to influence what other people want. Getting a tear rubber or tokunbo is a matter of fate. No matter how much u scrutinize before dating if you are not destined to date a virgin, you won't get one.

Do not discriminate! You don't know what the tokunbo have been through. Go for your choice, let other go for what they want without interference.

Tear rubber or tokunbo, ki oluwa maa so wa ni (may the lord guide us).

Alter Ego: Redefining Alcoholism-Wole Salami

Just giving an intro to this piece because of my respect for this guy in writing and drinking, also because of the cravings of certain readers for his work. You can follow him on twitter @woletino and contact me if you wanna get to him directly. Enjoy! - Gbotemi Falade


Relief in the bottom of a drink, is an over use cliché that all sober people would gleefully point to my alcohol-soaked brain to be only a product of culturally correct though morally and from a prejudiced point of view a no do good er. Yes I am alcoholic and proud of it! Mind you, by alcoholic I do not mean the image perpetuated by African magic of a wasted middle class man having problem both in his marriage and professional career and as such finding relief in the bottom of a bottle while also inadvertently ending up in the gully on his way home.
I seek to redefine what an alcoholic is by using my not so perfect life as a paradigm of a new wave of alcoholism that is premise on intellectual freedom only which alcohol would help release. Many of you would quite remember some of our childhood super heroes who possess super powers but not until they have adorn themselves with one prop or the other. So, for example we would see Green lantern becoming a hero through his ring, Batman in his custom made suit becomes a relentless and formidable opponent, Thor and his hammer, Ironman and his million dollar robo-tecno suit and of course Leo Messi with his addidas boots(apologies to all madristas). The point that I am trying to make is that it's high time that Professor Xavier school of the gifted enrol my kind of superhero. Yea, I said it, am a superhero. If you doubt the previous statement then allow me to dispel your scepticism (takes a swig from the bottle). First of all (go down low) being a hero implies engaging in heroic deeds. Heroic deeds therefore constitute those deeds that are bourne out of altruistic motive while also sacrificing one's being if necessary to stop the proliferation of evil(whatever that is). Your question is thus; how does drinking from a bottle of wine constitute as an act of heroism? If anything it should be a criminal offence and punished with the harshest severity of the law! Well my answer is quite simple, enforcing a rigid no alcohol ban in the world would rob mankind off his humanity. Whether you are a creationist or a big bang theorist you would agree with me that there is encoded in man some mystries(be it the soul or the unconcious mind depending on your choice of words)which alcohol helps bring to the fore.
My purpose is not to turn you all to alcoholics but to correct your bias and misconception that all alcoholics are the same. As a matter of fact, any bar would prove to you the diversity and uniqueness of each drinker. So you can have the brooding drinker who never says much but concentrate on not spilling his drink, there is also the talkative who creates discussion from the passing of a housefly, we also have the ridiculously funny drinker who, has a dozen of jokes and outlandish stories that would even crack up a humourless person, there is the boasting drinker who has performed innumerable feats such as outfoxing the devil and getting away unscathed, we also have sexual innuendo talking drinker who has had multiple sexcapdes with phantom females while also turning every innocent discussion into sexual one, there is also the political aware drinker, who somehow has detailed information on the inner lives of our political leaders while also giving political explanation and implications to your choice of drink, there is also the lamenting drinker whose personal woes and tragedies are curiously peculiar to him alone never mind that virtually all mankind have similar stories, there is the occasional female that is curiously the spokesperson for her gender simply because she possess mammaries like billions of females, the sagacious drinker who churns out aphorisms in between sips from his cup, there is of course my kind of drinker who is characterize with a multiple personality and thus can be both the boasting drinker and sagacious drinker depending on the gathering and the occasion, the list you can imagine is endless. All these characters are proof that all drinkers are not the same and that your frequent visits to the bar is an opportunity to educate your self with the complex and diverse human traits while also unleashing a core that you are hithertofore unaware you possess.

What I find therefore heroic about drinking alcohol is that only the noblest of man can devotes his life to an ecumenical understanding of man particularly by visiting several human laboratories(beer parlour) where a hidden part of man is readily revealed with the aid of alcohol.

Leave The Nest

t's not the best start to a day that I want but I'm gonna leave how bad it is and try to use that to talk to you guys or post something on here (whether with pageviews or not).

If you’re lucky enough to be one of those “kids” who has a great relationship with his/her parents, lives at home and you are satisfied with the meagre everyday 1k or monthly allowance, then you definitely have a life!(which in my own case is a low life).

However, for most of us, being an adult and living at home doesn’t always make for an ideal living situation. Sure, there are situations where living at home with mom and dad is beneficial, even necessary. But if you’re over 25 years old (but I'm not 25, just a couple far from it) and still sleeping in a twin size bed, I'm wondering what you’re doing with your life, it’s time to raise up out of your parents’ house and find your own spot(with or without a job).

One of the following short listed reasons must be particular to you and if it is then you understand what I, you and other youths are going through.

NO ROOM FOR STUFFS AFTER UNIVERSITY

Not only is it difficult to find space for you and your friends to hang out(in my own case there's children living room but not enough for grown adult like me), you may not also have room for your personal things, especially if you’re sharing a room with someone (I'm not, thank God. *smiles*). After 4 years of UNI, I managed to accumulate things and none of it fit into my room at home when I moved back home. I can't place my precious Arsenal wallpapers on the wall because it's again CAC tenets(my church of life). They also may not want you to clutter their home with your things and use it for storage so you’re limited to buying what fits in the confines of the four walls of your bedroom. If you find yourself longing for a new bedroom set, or a huge flat screen TV, then you should find your own apartment to put it in.

NO PRIVACY

If you suffer from the reason above, it is safe to say you probably have no room for privacy either. If you start dating someone, bringing them back to your “room” for some action probably isn’t so hot – not with mom and dad roaming around the house freely. So sex is pretty much out of the question unless you get busy at a hotel or the back seat of your car or even go to an uncle's place. You can’t even have a conversation on the phone without your younger sisters ear hustling (eavesdropping) and you basically feel trapped because there’s nowhere to go to have a little “me” time. If this is you and whether you have a decent job or not, save up and move out asap.

RULES

Depending on how old-school your folks are, living at home means following their rules (tunde 'laleye will understand better, gbenga should too). Whether this means coming in at a certain hour to check your room, not being able to stay out over-night, doing chores (washing cars especially, that's the motivation for this post) or anything else your parents require you to do while living under their roof, if their rules don’t sit well with you, then you can get a teaching job( because of limited opportunities in iseyin) and if in cities you can get a temporary job so that you can move out and save your sanity. After all, it is their house and if you’re not paying rent or u didn't build it, you really can’t tell them “no,” can you? Well, maybe you can, but they’d probably tell you you are grown behind to move out and pay your own rent and follow your own rules. Can’t say that I blame them.

I'M A SLOB.

Speaking of chores, if you’re a slob like I am, then living at home with you is probably a nightmare. While I’d hope that one would be clean and neat even while living on his own, you don’t HAVE to wash dishes in your own place if you don’t want to. When you live alone, you don’t have to do laundry for a month if you don’t feel like it, and you can leave your clothes all over the place and no one can say boo(shout at you) about it. Again, I’m not saying being a slob is cute, but if you’re tired of your mom nagging you to pick up your trousers or to move your shoes out of her way, then get your own place and be lazy and sloppy to your heart’s content. Just make sure to clean up before girlfie comes over.

YOUR POTENTIAL
I'm not saying you can't fulfill your potentials by living under your parents but there are a lot of stuff you can't do, a lot of dreams you can't realize. There are career you want to chase but you are under them and they are not supporting. It's time to move out. Even you might end up not actualizing the potentiality of marriage. As a guy, no lady is going to respect a man who is staying with parents. Why not leave the nest and fly so high in freedom?


And people say it's our culture to stay with your
folks till you marry. We are in the 21st century, there are no more tribalistic cultures but a global culture. And the global culture is you are free to stay on your own once you are 18. Sometimes Some people stay at home longer than they want to because their parents expect them to stay there – either to keep them company or until they get married. Maybe this is something parents expect more from their daughters than their sons.
If you have a younger sibling who requires a babysitter, consider yourself that babysitter. Your parents will expect you to watch him or her – for free – and without complaint, which could dampen your plans on a Friday night. If you live at home, you’re the live-in nanny. It's not bad to babysit, I can do it all year long but it must come with pay or some sort of compensation. If only I have a brother with a baby or an uncle or aunt to babysit for....... It'd make more sense to stay with them for three months then get enough pay when leaving. That's why I envy Gbenga,Deji and Amanda (awon babysitters of eternity).

So instead of nagging about what you are facing while leaving under your parents; work hard, get a job or get jobs, save up and move out before you see what they do to you as insults and save your sanity.
Stopping here, gotta go cash for him at the bank.... one I must do since I'm not an owner of an apartment. LEAVE THE NEST!!